Diane Bolden’s Synchronistically Speaking

As I write this post, it is about 5:30 pm on a Wednesday afternoon and I’m sitting on my patio gazing over my back fence at a brand new twenty foot high three car garage that recently took the place of what used to be a spectacular mountain view.  I write about this incident because it set into motion some interesting and curious events that led me through an array of emotions.  My perspective initially produced sadness, irritation, anger and disgust, which gradually gave way to complacency and ultimately – though I never would have believed it – transformed not only into acceptance, but gratitude.

Now, believe me, if this post had been written the day after we met the man – a developer – who moved into the house across the alley from us – my tone and words would have been quite different.  We were shocked and outraged.  Wanting to be neighborly, my husband and I introduced ourselves.  With a very matter of fact manner , the man led us to his back yard and explained his plans.  Our efforts to become better acquainted were met with the words “You all are being very gracious, but it is not like I’m asking your permission.”  I remember watching his lips move but not quite receiving the impact of his words until we got back home and almost simultaneously uttered to each other – “Did he really say that?!”

To be fair, the man is a competitive water skier, and a large structure to house his equipment is apparently a necessity for him.  It is his property after all, and he has every right to build what he wants there – though it seems a bit peculiar that the new construction was reserved for his various vehicles while he apparently has elected to use the existing garage as his living quarters.  The other strange thing is that this monstrously high structure actually eviscerated his own view of the mountain – a detail that I didn’t actually notice until the initial anger subsided and my mind became curiously reflective.

But the event spun a whole series of reactions into play.  Over the initial few weeks after we met the man, we were consumed with bitterness which cast a long, dark shadow over our usually very happy household.  We couldn’t look out the window without feeling irritation and decided that we didn’t want to live in a continual state of anger.  So we began looking for a new house.  Our initial efforts were somewhat non eventful, but we did actually end up finding something not far from our old home that we really liked.  It was a short sale.  We made an offer that got accepted after what seemed like an excruciatingly long period of waiting during which we put our current home on the market for sale or lease.

When the sign went up in our front yard, I felt an intense sadness that grew more and more pronounced when people came into the house to view it.  My husband and I both were struck with how much we loved our home, the memories we shared in it (including watching all three of our children grow from babies to toddlers and beyond), and the things we did over the years to make it our own – not the least of which was a fairly substantial remodel. 

The realization that we were actually moving was bittersweet.  There were many things the new house offered that the old one didn’t, and we were excited about the possibilities.  But we began to notice that the longer things played out, the less enamored we were and the more we became focused on what we would be losing.   Well, as luck would have it, the sellers defaulted on their contract and we ended up canceling the sale.

And now, I couldn’t be happier!  The monstrosity across the alley that once produced feelings of bitterness and resentment is a constant reminder for me to count my blessings and remember what is truly important in my life.  I am grateful to have a home at all – which I realize is more than many people have right now.  But I am most grateful  for the new appreciation and insight this change in perspective have given me on my power to frame and reframe the experiences that determine how I feel on any given day.  And to recognize that the old adage – home is where the heart is – is really true.  The degree to which my heart is open is exclusively dependent on me and everything I see really is a matter of perspective.  Makes me wonder what else I might be seeing that has an entirely new and empowering interpretation I have not yet landed on…

Well, I finally finished writing the book I’ve been working on for the last four years – the first draft that is.  I’m well aware that the real work is only just beginning.  The whole creative process has reminded me of actually physically giving birth in so many ways, though my gestation period with the book was more than four times longer.  Come to think of it, so was the labor. 

 It started with the glow of an idea.  I don’t know if it showed up in my face as it may have when I was pregnant with each of my three children, but I felt it throughout my body.  The idea inspired and uplifted me and began to take on a life of its own.  As it continued to take form and I scribbled down notes that would flesh out the initial concepts, the excitement grew. 

Once there was no mistaking that I would be bringing the book into the world, morning sickness set in.  When I wasn’t working on the manuscript, I felt a gnawing sense of uneasiness that beckoned me to devote time at my computer.  And when I was writing, I often had the insatiable urge to eat – especially when I felt as though the words I needed just weren’t coming fast enough.  This of course, was occasionally followed by nausea and stomach cramps.  Thankfully, no maternity clothes were necessary.

I learned that just as you cannot rush the development of a baby’s hand or ear, it is also true that you simply cannot force inspiration.  I found that my best writing came when I relaxed enough into the process to get out of my head and let something bigger come through me.  It became clear over the many months that followed that it was not mine to determine what the creation would look like or to fret over whether I was doing a good enough job with it.  It was an idea – a seed – that was within me but had surely originated from something greater.  The best thing I could do was to get out of the way and let the thing evolve as it needed to.  When I learned to content myself with simply being a vessel, things went much more smoothly.

And then as I got to the last few chapters, my level of urgency and excitement went through the roof.  I couldn’t stop writing.  Several nights a week, I woke up at two, three or four in the morning and after lying in bed wide awake for twenty or thirty minutes, simply got up and went to my computer.  The labor had begun.  And it soaked up every ounce of attention and energy I had.  I stalled on the final chapter.  I wanted the thing out – free and clear.  After writing a couple of lame sentences I fooled myself into thinking perhaps it was done.  And then I had another contraction, this one so strong and powerful that it wiped those last two sentences out and left three pages of afterword in their place. 

For a week or so, the manuscript lay sleeping peacefully, breathing softly, wrapped in swaddling.  Thoroughly and completely exhausted, I couldn’t bring myself to do much of anything.   And then I realized the little guy needs care and feeding to survive.  I hired an editor to help me nurse it.  The poor thing probably has a lopsided head from being in the birth canal so long.  It needs suctioning and baby wipes and probably a good lukewarm bath too. 

And I find myself now in much the same place I did after my first child was born – with the blissful yet sobering knowledge that I am now a parent – or, well, an author.  That this little thing needs me to help it make its way in the world – to support its head until its muscles are strong enough to lift it on its own, and to nurture it to the place that others can hold and enjoy it as much as I do.  Just as there are seemingly millions of books, articles and blogs written on how to raise a child, the myriad of opinions and recommendations on next steps with the manuscript are completely overwhelming.  I comfort myself with the thought that with each of my three children I felt that same sense of panic and wonder.  And that with love, dedication and an occasional bit of sleep I ended up learning everything I needed to know along the way.  I have to believe this creation will be no different. 

Its name is The Pinocchio Principle ~ Becoming Real:  Authentic Leadership for the 21^st Century.  Welcome to the world, little one!

 Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010.  All rights reserved.

As many of you already know, I’ve been working on writing a book on authentic leadership for over three years now (and I’m almost done!) The process of writing has illuminated many things for me, one of which is the power I believe each of us has to create the reality we experience. Last week, I wrote an entire chapter on that. And I found myself musing over the fact that while many of the experiences I’ve envisioned for myself have come to be, others have not. As I pondered the reasons for that, this month’s ezine article, Harnessing the Power of Thought, emerged. Below is an excerpt and you can click the link to read the full article.

Harnessing the Power of Thought

“There are powers inside of you which, if you could discover and use, would make of you everything you ever dreamed or imagined you could become.”

~Orison Marden Swett

The above quote is one of many I have seen over the years that references our ability to create that which we most desire. In his beautiful book “As a Man Thinketh”, first published in 1901, James Allen writes “Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your Vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.” Henry David Thoreau wrote “If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.” And Napoleon Hill affirmed, “What the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.”

This power is not the result of a magic pill or some kind of sorcery. Rather than being something we must rely on others for, it is a gift we are all born with that we gradually learn to utilize as we become more and more aligned with what is most true within us. This gift is quite simply the strength of the feeling we generate when we identify with something so specifically that we take it to be real. With sustained and unwavering belief, whatever we hold in our minds and our hearts in this way becomes our reality.

As a teenager I began to read a lot about the power of positive thinking and visualization. I was enthralled by stories of athletes who would spend time imagining themselves sinking those critical shots to go on at game time and perform exactly as they rehearsed in their minds. I utilized affirmations of positive intent around the person I was becoming and the wonderful things that were coming into my life. I played with creating vision boards for myself, made from large poster paper with various pictures of things I wanted to have or symbols that represented experiences I longed for glued onto it. I created movies in my head that featured me performing anything from sports to public speaking powerfully and passionately with great success. Many of these visions and dreams have come true over the years. And some have not.

I have reflected at length on what it might be that differentiated the dreams and visions that came to fruition from those that didn’t. And I have come to the conclusion that there are three significant factors… click here to read the full article 

“Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.”   ~ Michael McGriffy, MD

 When was the last time someone caught you off guard with a piece of feedback or a message that felt like an attack?  How did you respond?

 If it took you by surprise, chances are for a moment you may have lost your balance, moving  either away from the bearer of the message, or toward him or her (literally or figuratively).  If you leaned away, in an effort to avoid conflict or to crawl inside your comfort zone, you may have withheld your point of view or any response for that matter.  If you leaned forward, you may have thrust your point of view upon the other in a way that was more like a counter attack than a response.  Or perhaps you accommodated and sacrificed your own needs in order to maintain harmony.  Either way, you fell away from your center – your true place of power. 

 What does this mean?  If I am too attached to my own point of view, I am likely to force it on others and become rigid to anything that doesn’t seem to fit with it.  When I am stiff and lean too far forward, I am easily knocked over.  On the other hand, if I forget what I know and allow others to dictate what I believe, I will lose my footing and become easily manipulated. 

 But if I can get to a place of curiosity, where I can really listen to what someone else is saying and be willing to test my own assumptions without automatically believing they are absolute, I will be relaxed, agile, and strong.  When I am pushed, I will absorb the shock by allowing myself to be temporarily moved, and then come back to center – my place of strength.  I can integrate what others are saying, broaden my perspective, and allow myself to grow stronger as a result.  From this place of strength I will engage in communication that is far more productive.

 Most of us will be knocked off balance periodically.  We may find ourselves swaying from one direction to the other.  But each time it happens, we can practice coming back to center – being willing to let go, relax, listen, and adjust accordingly.  In doing so, we will learn and grow.  We will transform ourselves and set powerful examples for others.  And in so doing, we will truly lead.

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010.  All rights reserved.

If you liked this post, you may also enjoy The Evolution of Confidence and Making Your Case for Action.  Download these and other articles for free at www.DianeBolden.com/articles. While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

“It is always amazing how many of the things we do will never be missed.  And nothing is less productive than to make more efficient what should not be done at all.”

~ Peter F. Drucker

One day I had the opportunity to listen to Marshall Goldsmith, one of America’s finest executive coaches speak.  Though the man has a number of incredibly insightful things to say on any given moment, one thing he said that day made an impact on me that I still feel years later.  The audience was eager to benefit from his wisdom.  He took the stage and paused a moment before speaking.  Then he told us to hold onto our seats while he told us something we probably didn’t want to hear.

“Those ‘to do’ lists you are carrying around – your inboxes and piles of papers – all those thing you seek to get to the bottom of,” he said.  “You need to realize right now THAT YOU WILL NEVER EVER FINISH THEM ALL.”

I remember my heart sinking when I heard that news, though I knew in my soul what he was saying was true.  He went on to explain that once we grasp this little piece of knowledge we will be so much more productive, effective and creative.

His wise words echo in my mind when I feel I have become a slave to my productivity principles.  How many times did you feel that everything had to be in its place before you could really move forward – start on that project you have been putting off, write that book, return those calls, launch that campaign?  And how many times did you allow your need for perfection to keep you from acting at all?

Now, don’t get me wrong – I do believe order is important.  But it must be in service to our larger purposes, not a substitute for them.  Perhaps there is wisdom in a bit of chaos.  Maybe if we weren’t so preoccupied about planning out every little detail and needing to feel “in control” of it all, we could let go and allow our inner knowing to cut through the piles and tell us exactly what we need to focus on in each moment, whether that be a project or a person.  Perhaps there is inspiration just waiting for us to create enough space for it to get through.  We cannot do this by becoming busier, hunkering down and trying harder to do that which may not even need to be done at all.

The inspiring, confident, courageous voice of a leader often starts as a small still voice that competes for our attention among all the other things we think we need to be doing.  How will you quiet yourself for a few moments today to hear what it is telling you? 

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010.  All rights reserved.

If you liked this post, you may also enjoy Stepping Up to Strategic Focus, and Stop the Madness.  Download these and other articles for free at www.DianeBolden.com/articles. While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.