Diane Bolden’s Synchronistically Speaking

This week’s blog post, My Most Embarrassing Moment,  features a video about one of those experiences I’d rather not repeat and why the most powerful lesson from it didn’t come to me until years later.  Below I’ve expanded a bit on the key messages.

One of my most embarrassing moments happened while running on a treadmill at a gym.  When I went to fix my hair, my foot hit the part of the treadmill that wasn’t moving and I lost my balance.  I hit the belt, which was still moving and was catapulted into the middle of the room where other people were working out.  Whether it actually happened or not, it felt as though the room went silent and all eyes were on me.

I’m pretty sure I was bleeding.  Though I was bruised and in a lot of pain, it didn’t come close to the humiliation and embarrassment I was experiencing.   I smiled and nodded as people asked me if I was okay, pulled myself up and somehow hobbled out of there.  To this day, I really don’t like to run on treadmills and tend to avoid them. 

The lesson I took from that experience is that treadmills would hurt me.  But there was a far more powerful lesson that I initially missed.   When I fell, I wasn’t in the moment.  My head was somewhere else.  I wasn’t conscious or balanced and as a result, bad things happened.  My belief that treadmills will hurt me and I need to stay away from them is an assumption.  A faulty assumption.

In my new book, The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be, I drew an analogy of assumptions like these to the strings that keep Pinocchio from realizing his dream of becoming real and doing what he really wanted to do.   My assumption that I need to stay away from treadmills is keeping me from what could otherwise be a very enjoyable experience, particularly if I don’t have the luxury of running outside.  I’ve written a whole chapter about how our assumptions keep us from doing the things we really want to do in our lives and how we can dismantle these strings so that we can live and lead in new, powerful ways.

What’s your treadmill story?  Maybe it is something you tried that didn’t go very well and led you to  rule out the whole experience and figure you were no good at it.  Maybe your story is about a person that reminds you of someone from your past with whom you didn’t have a good experience.  In either case, chances are you’re believing things that are not necessarily true and keeping you from something that could be really great. 

What would you need to do to be free of that?

Click here if you’d like to order a copy of The Pinocchio Principle, or go to www.PinocchioPrinciple.com for more information.

Become a subscriber at  www.DianeBolden.com and receive my free report:  Ten Traps Leaders Unwittingly Set for Themselves…and How to Avoid Them.

Though comments are currently closed, please feel free to email me at Diane@DianeBolden.com with your feedback, questions and thoughts.  Have a specific challenge you’d like to see a post written about?  Let me know.  I’d love to hear from you!

The other day, my youngest son came home from summer camp with a riddle he wanted me to hear:

“Mom, pretend you are in a box that is sealed shut – air tight – with no doors and no windows.”  OK,” I replied, picturing walls on all sides of me. 

“How do you get out?” he asked.

I offered some lame solutions, each of which compelled him to roll his eyes and shake his head.  When I saw that he could no longer take it I said, “I give up.  How do you get out?”

“You stop pretending!”  he said with a wide grin spreading across his face.

This little riddle has profound implications for all of us.  Because we have a way of creating our own boxes every day of our lives.  Sometimes we do it when we wake up with preconceived ideas of how our day is going to be.  We do it when we make a judgment of whether or not we believe people will come through for us, or whether we will be able to come through for ourselves or others.  We create boxes that keep us walled off from our greatest potential and the myriad of possibilities that exist all around us when we believe that the chances of achieving something are less than optimal. 

We are often told that being truly creative requires that we “think outside of the box.”  And I believe this is true.  Perhaps we can also increase our creativity and effectiveness  by recognizing the ways in which we create our own boxes to begin with so that we can prevent them from reigning us in altogether.

Anytime we believe an assumption, we tend to act in ways that validate it.  If we believe we are not capable of doing something – speaking in public, taking a stand, initiating a conversation with someone, pursuing some kind of opportunity -  we behave in ways that make that assumption true.  As the saying goes, “you can’t win if you don’t play.”  We may believe we cannot succeed in some area because there is no evidence that suggests we can.  But the lack of evidence is often a direct result of believing something about ourselves that is largely based in conjecture; our self limiting beliefs can keep us from trying at all.  Many times the only real evidence we have is actually a lack of evidence. 

When we believe an assumption about others that suggests they are not capable of achieving something, we act in ways that can bring out their insecurities and doubts, thus inhibiting their performance.  It is not uncommon for people to accomplish amazing feats in front of some audiences and become all thumbs in front of others. 

When we find ourselves being intimidated by others who may have doubts about our abilities, we need to be aware of the fact that their doubts are not what is inhibiting us at all.  Their doubts are only triggering the stories of inadequacy we have about ourselves – and that is what gets in the way of our ability to do any given task.

When we begin to pay attention to what it is we are believing, we can question the validity of our assumptions and take steps to disengage ourselves from beliefs that keep us reigned in.   The key is not to try to get rid of our assumptions, but rather to replace our limiting beliefs with empowering truths.  Rather than focusing on what’s going wrong, we can focus on what’s going right and build on that.  Instead of beating ourselves and others up for our seeming shortcomings, we can appreciate our strengths and the progress we have made and go from there.   We can move from the improbable to the possible and look to the talent we and others possess that will help us to achieve it.   

Action follows thought – and our doubts are like the walls of a box that keep us from seeing and acting on the array of possibilities all around us.   The truth about who we are and what we are capable of dissolves those walls and allows us to bust out of our boxes so that we can experience life as it is truly meant to be lived – unencumbered, limitless, and free.

So, if you find yourself in a box, take my eight year old son’s advice – and  STOP PRETENDING.

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010.  All rights reserved.

If you liked this post, you may enjoy other articles written about Navigating Through Change, Challenge & Uncertainty .  Download these and others for free at www.DianeBolden.com/solutions.  While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

In the Shadow of a Daunting Task

Do  you ever get to a place where you’ve just run out of energy and feel like you simply can’t do another thing?  For many, this seems to happen around 3pm or so – or right after lunch.  I used to think it was just a biological phenomonenon – perhaps the effect of having to digest food, or needing to eat some.  I’ve tried chocolate, but it never quite works as well as I’d like it to - and it just leaves me wanting more.

 This afternoon, I felt like I hit a wall.  And I did.  It was physical as well as mental.  I actually felt the wall go up as I contemplated a list I recently made of all that I hope to accomplish in the coming weeks and months and tried to figure out where (and how) to start.  The sensation originated in my stomach and rose slowly up my chest, kind of like heartburn.  Then it sunk heavily like a boulder thrown into a pond, covering my mind with muddy residue.    My impulse was to escape.  So I left my computer and took a short break, slumping into an overstuffed chair and closing my eyes for a minute.

 As I sat there, I began to think about my state and see if I could identify its cause.  It was not an unfamiliar feeling.  I had experienced it a few weeks ago after our dog tore into a bag of garbage containing remnants of the previous evening’s dinner and spread it all over the yard – and again right after I opened the box containing my new wireless printer and sat staring with an aching head at instructions that may as well have been in a different language.  (That printer is still in the box, by the way.)   And then I realized that it wasn’t the work ahead of me that was causing me the angst as much as what I was believing about it. 

 At bedtime, when my kids were young, they would get scared by shapes in their room that they couldn’t make out.  In the absence of information, they created their own stories about what they were seeing, which usually involved some kind of monster or other unwelcome guest.  But once the lights were flipped on and they realized the shadows were simply the product of a jacket thrown over the back of a chair or a teddy bear with a large hat, they settled back into their beds and slept peacefully.

 I think we do this all the time with the projects and tasks we face on a regular basis – and sadly, also with our grandest dreams and visions.  In the light of day, we see them glimmer with promise and possibility.  But in the dark, our doubts and fears creep in and have a way of distorting things.  This is the point where the skeptics welcome the optimists to reality.  But it isn’t reality at all.  It is an illusion that has been created by a frightened mind.

 The stories we tell ourselves in the dark are those of peril and potential failure.  In the absence of knowing exactly what it will take to accomplish the task, project or dream and whether we will be able to execute on it, we begin to identify with our doubt which amplifies the enormity what lies before us.  The shadow of a task magnified becomes a feat that feels insurmountable.  But flip on the lights and challenge the assumptions that make a creation feel heavy, and it becomes a collection of smaller pieces that can be gradually assembled over time.  As Lao Tzu once said, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

 Whenever I feel the heaviness that comes with writing the book I started over three years ago, I know that I have entered my dark room.  In the absence of light, I am prone to question my ability and my nerve, compare myself to others, and amplify the work it will take to finish the darn thing.  The darkness has a way of casting shadows on everything else that needs to get done as well. But in the light, I realize all I need to do is write a page – and then another – and then another.  And each seemingly insurmountable task can be broken down into a simpler component that I can get through with even just a little effort.  I can breathe through my fear and move into each experience, letting go of the outcome and enjoying the process itself. 

 When I stop to think about it, cleaning up the garbage the dog scattered around the yard wasn’t nearly so miserable as I thought it would be.  And setting up the printer probably won’t be either.  The other, higher aspirations can be approached in a lighter, simpler manner as well.  With this in mind, I will keep on writing… one page at a time. 

 Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010.  All rights reserved.

If you liked this post, you may also enjoy Stepping Up to Strategic Focus and Leadership Lit Up.  Download these and other articles for free at www.DianeBolden.com/articles.  While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.