Diane Bolden’s Synchronistically Speaking

A NOTE FROM DIANE:

I almost didn’t post the above video.  It’s personal.  And it was recorded in a fragile moment.  But then I remembered how comforted I have felt by messages from people who were courageous enough to talk about the challenges and frustrations they were working through.  And I decided, the hell with it.  I’m going to put the video up.  If it lifts the hearts of just one or two people, it’ll be worth it.   

If you’ve ever been in a spot where, despite having access to an overwhelming amount of information and people that seem to have it all figured out, you just can’t seem to find any answers — know that you are not alone.  And please also know, that you too will find your way.   

Here is the written version of what I said in the video:

 
People have been asking me, What have you done to promote your book?  Do you have a publicist?  Are you going on tour?

I wrote this book — The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be.  It took me six years to write it.  It’s been out for three months.  And I can’t get myself to promote it.  I can’t get myself to do anything with it.  And I know that I should.

So the other day, I was watching a webcast from someone talking about how to become a best seller — how to become a trusted advisor.  And I began to fill my head with all these things I thought I should be doing.  I found myself taking copious notes.   And I got to this point where I couldn’t watch it anymore.  I had to turn it off.  Something got into me and I literally had to go cry.  And I cried so hard I almost threw up.

After all that passed, I realized that the reason that I can’t promote my book yet is that I’m looking so hard outside of myself for people to tell me what to do in an arena where I don’t feel like I have the answers.  And the irony is that the book I wrote is about how to trust your inner wisdom and how to navigate through your challenges and your uncertainty. 

And so when I got done crying I had to start laughing.  Because it’s kind of funny that I actually already have the workbook I need.  It’s right here [in the book I've poured my heart into for the last six years]. 

The truth of the matter is that this book isn’t really as much for you as it is for me.  And before I can really promote it — before I can feel as though it will be of value to people, I need to live it.  And that’s what I’m going to do.

For more on finding your way:

Finding Your Answer in the Midst of Chaos
From Frustration to Fruition
Leading Through Uncertainty
Embracing Life’s Uncertainty
Enduring a Stormy State of Mind
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be

One morning my six year old daughter spotted some old clothes she had outgrown sitting on a high shelf in her closet.  On the top of the pile were a pair of sparkly tennis shoes she used to love.  Seeing them up there reignited her adoration and she insisted on wearing them to school.  Knowing they were a couple sizes too small, I told her she could wear them around the house for awhile instead. 

She did, along with a soft pink sweater whose long sleeves were now almost to her elbows.  Watching her cram her little feet into those even littler shoes reminded me of the stepsisters in the story of Cinderella.  A fiercely determined and somewhat stubborn child, she shoved and pulled until she finally got both heels into the shoes along with her poor little toes which were likely crammed into a small ball.  When she stood up, the sweater revealed her belly button.  “Look Mom,” she proudly shouted, “They still fit!”

I smiled and went on with my morning routine while she ran through the house, stopping every once in a while to play with something she found interesting.  After about ten minutes, I walked into the kitchen to see my daughter disgustedly fling the shoes in opposite directions across the room.  “Mom, those shoes hurt me!” she complained.  “And I don’t like this sweater anymore either.”

“Sweetheart, that’s because you’ve grown since you last wore them.  You’re a bigger girl now.”  I explained.  “Do you grow out of your clothes too?” she asked.  I thought about my jeans which had been fitting a little tighter since Christmas, but decided not to go there.  “Well, once you get to be as old as Mommy, you’re body doesn’t really grow much,” I answered. 

 Hours after she left for school I reflected on that conversation and the experience my young daughter had shared with me.  I realized that though my body isn’t growing anymore (with the occasionally unfortunate exception of my waist and hips), the rest of me still is.  I think all of us are in some way. 

The more we cling to that which we have outgrown, the more painful the experience becomes until, as my daughter learned, the discomfort of wearing the old stuff becomes greater than that of letting it go.  And I mused that there have been times in my life where I’ve inflicted quite a bit of pain on myself out of fear of letting go and moving onto something new and roomier.  I have clients, family members and friends who have done the same thing. 

Sometimes when change comes we resist it because we fear that it will require too much effort to adapt, or that it will land us in a place where we are unequipped to handle whatever is coming next.  Paradoxically, my experience has been that the resistance itself can create far more pain than the new experience. 

Having children is a great example.  With each child, my life changed dramatically.  My daughter was our third – causing my husband and me to be outnumbered and effectively thrusting our household into a chaos that we have learned to roll with over the years.  Any creation you give birth to is bound to do the same thing.  But it will also bring you greater joy than you ever could have imagined.

To allow ourselves to experience all the magic these new opportunities and challenges bring, we need to do what we can to avoid tightening up and blocking ourselves from the experience.  Even the act of childbirth itself becomes more painful when the muscles involved contract in different directions in response to fear.  Having had three opportunities to experience this phenomenon, I can tell you that learning to relax and allow the muscles to work together in harmony makes all the difference in the world.  And I believe the same is true with life itself.

What is trying to happen in your life right now?  And what can you do to give yourself fully to the experience? 

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010.  All rights reserved.

If you liked this post, you may also enjoy Room to Grow, It’s a Stretch and Changing Tides.  Download these and other articles for free at www.DianeBolden.com/articles. While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

Are you dreaming big enough?  If so, you may often feel overwhelmed by the seeming magnitude of what lies before you. 

As we entertain dreams, visions and goals that seem so large that they become daunting, we must not be intimidated by the seeming length or difficulty of the journey ahead of us.  I was reminded of this years ago on a skiing trip.  After an hour or so, the years that had passed since my last skiing excursion no longer seemed significant and my adventurous side led me to a very difficult black run, full of moguls and steep angles.  Once I embarked upon the run, I realized I was in way over my head.  At that moment the temperature dropped suddenly and a fog rolled in that was so thick that I could not see more than three feet ahead of me.  I began to panic.  I wanted more than ever to reach the bottom of the slope and became more fixated on having the run behind me than on the thrill of the experience itself. 

 As soon as my attention and focus went from the snow in front of me to the bottom of the steep slope, I lost control and came crashing to the ground, losing my skis and feeling the slap of the hard cold ground beneath me.  I managed to somehow to get up and put my skis back on, but before long my focus would shift and the same thing would happen again.  It was only when I resigned myself to pay attention to what was right in front of me that my body knew how to navigate each mogul.  When I let go of having to know exactly how I would get down that mountain and trust that I could make it a few feet at a time, I had everything I needed to succeed. 

I think that is how life is too.  When we feel dismayed at not having everything figured out right off the bat, we can ask ourselves what we can do right now that will lead us closer to our goals and trust that we will be given exactly what we need to continue our journeys right when we need it.  Sometimes conditions are not right for us to proceed full speed ahead, and circumstances take a turn that feel frustrating.  Often the skills we need are those that can only be developed through a series of challenges that require us to move out of our comfort zones.  We may see these events as setbacks and annoying diversions without realizing their perfect place in the larger orchestration of a course of events we are engaged in that has much greater implications than what we originally envisioned. 

Perhaps the whispers of our heart and the calls to greatness that we feel within our souls are essential components of a larger, collective plan that we each play a vital part in.  As we rise up to play these parts fully and wholeheartedly, we can revel in the beauty of its mysterious unfolding.  In the process, we will discover ourselves to be greater than we thought we were and use each moment of our lives to create something extraordinary for ourselves and others.

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010.  All rights reserved.

This post is an excerpt from an article called Living Large, published in my January ezine.  To subscribe (it’s free), and to access the rest of the article, go to www.DianeBolden.com/articles.   You will receive future monthly articles as well as my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

Mind Over Minutia

The other day I was out running with my dog and a song by the artist Jem came on my iPod.  “And so I pray,” she sang.  “I wish that all these things would go away.  To disappear if only for a day.  Know I can’t go but I don’t want to stay.”  I laughed as I thought of all the things on my growing to do list that I feel like I have to get done in order to do what really matters to me. 

Later that day I talked with a client who expressed frustration at having to go to this meeting and that, be involved in projects and committees he didn’t see the point of, thinking that if he didn’t have to do these things, perhaps he could do something really significant and meaningful.  In many of my meetings with clients, someone is lamenting over having to deal with a person they find difficult to work with (or be around) who has a way of throwing wet blankets on their greatest ideas, or roadblocks in the way of their progress.  Of course, I can relate to all of this.  I think we all can.  And yet, I have to believe that these little things that have a way of driving us crazy sometimes must serve some vital purpose in our lives. 

Repeatedly, I find myself encouraging my clients to envision that which they believe would be the ultimate for them.  For some it is becoming a C level leader, a best-selling author, an accomplished musician, a sought after professional.  For others it is better leveraging their talents in a way that allows them to get paid to do what they do best and most enjoy.  Perhaps it is simply learning to let go and enjoy the flow of life while maintaining a healthy work life balance and knowing that the work they do will allow them to have the financial resources necessary to get their needs met.  Do you have some secret dream of becoming more than you currently are?  Of tapping into the vast field of potential that lies waiting for you to discover it? 

See if you can envision what it would be like to have already achieved that dream.  Can you see through the eyes of someone who has already arrived?  Get into it.  Play with it.  Become it – if only in your mind.  Now, with that state of mind – what would you do differently in the face of all the challenges you have today?  Would you find ways to minimize the time you spend on trivial things so that you could pour more of yourself into what really matters?  Would you show up differently in those meetings, projects and tasks?  Would you get started on that project/venture/creation that has been quietly and persistently beckoning to you? Would you bring more of yourself to what you are doing?  Connect more deeply with others?  Be more present?  Could you find a way to transform your conflicts into opportunities for collaboration?

Albert Einstein once said “Problems cannot be solved from the same level of thinking from which they were created.”  We can elevate our thinking to break out of dynamics that keep us from getting where we most want to go.  We can see through the eyes of someone who has already fulfilled their greatest potential, and experience our current tasks and challenges as though we were reliving the memory of what it was like in the days before we achieved it.  Perhaps the very things we wish we didn’t have to do today are exactly what we need to prepare ourselves for where we most want to go. 

Whether I like it or not, my kids are video game fanatics.  They know that to get to level 8 of their favorite adventures, they must successfully complete levels 1 through 7.  When they are able to move through those lower levels with the skills and mindsets of the master, they will achieve their goal.  And then they are ready for newer, more difficult and increasingly exciting video games.  Perhaps the same is true for each of us in the bigger game of work and life.

What will you do today to play more fully?

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.  Fools stand on their island opportunities and look toward another land.  There is no other land, there is no other life but this.” 

~ Henry David Thoreau

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Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2009.  All rights reserved.

Woman with checklist picture by Feverpitched from Dreamstime.com.