Surviving and Thriving in Change and Chaos
What if the only thing standing in your way of perfect peace, true productivity and the satisfaction of living a life of purpose – was your thinking?
Many of us are experiencing a great deal of pressure, anxiety and sudden change. Jobs are tenuous, organizations are restructuring, and it might feel as though life itself is turning upside down. Frustration and turmoil is a common response to this kind of uncertainty and disorientation. It can lead to exhaustion and hopelessness. But consider this as you think about the things in your life and career that may feel as though they are spinning out of control…
What if everything is perfect just the way it is?
No, I haven’t gone off the deep end. Bear with me here… One of the key attributes embodied by extraordinary leaders in all walks of life is encapsulated in the word “responsibility” – not just in a moral or ethical sense of being accountable for our actions, but also – and perhaps just as essential in times of change and chaos – remembering that there is wisdom in recognizing that we have the ability to choose our response – and that the response we choose will have a resounding impact on ourselves and everyone around us.
The greatest of change agents start by recognizing what they have to work with before they can create change that will be sustained. They assess their environment to determine what the best entry point for that change is before they make their move. They don’t waste their time worrying about things that are truly out of their control, like changing the weather. Instead, they focus their attention and energy on those things that they do have the ability to influence and start there. The greatest of leaders know that the most powerful and sustainable change must start from within themselves.
The thing that fascinates me about a seemingly chaotic state of affairs is not so much what is happening, but the stories we are telling ourselves about what it means and the impact those stories are having on the way we are responding to it. When we react to things with fear, we end up amplifying that which we are afraid of and adding to the anxiety. Our fears drive us to act in ways that keep us from acting on our intuition and finding the answers that will truly serve us. Sometimes, we end up behaving in ways that make our fictional stories become real.
As an example, when you tell yourself a story about what is happening that leaves you feeling threatened, you may find yourself closing up and treating others with suspicion and mistrust. The way you are behaving toward people may well provoke a response in them that appears to validate your fearful story. However, in this scenario, it is very likely that their behavior is more of a reaction to the actions your story led you to take than anything else.
Our fearful stories are like the viruses we protect our computers from. These nasty viruses are often embedded in emails that pique our curiosity or rouse our fear. When we unwittingly activate them, they spread often uncontrollably and we risk passing them to the computer of our friends, associates and countless others. The viruses corrupt our systems until they no longer function effectively. Like computer viruses, our stories have a way of spinning us out of control and interfering with our ability to rise up to our challenges to find the opportunity that is always there waiting for us to discover and leverage it.
Our rational minds want answers and security. They need to figure everything out and almost automatically occupy themselves with trying to sort through data to arrive at conclusions. The problem is that our minds are plugging imaginary variables into the equation that end up further exacerbating the anxiety we are already experiencing. When they are done with one variable, they plug in another and the churning continues, leaving us with an uneasiness that keeps us on edge.
In the grip of this madness, sometimes the best thing you can do is indulge your mind with a variable that will allow it to do its thing. Go ahead and plug in the worst case scenario. If the worst possible thing happened, what would you do? Alloy yourself to sit with that question for awhile. Let the fear move through you and keep asking the question, what would I do that would allow everything to be OK? If you sit long enough with your question, you will arrive at some workable alternatives and reconnect with that part of yourself that is strong, resourceful and resilient.
Armed with the knowledge that you will be OK even if the worst possible thing happens, you can come back into the present and recognize your fearful thoughts for what they are – fearful thoughts. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got, which I pass along frequently is don’t believe everything you think.
In the present moment, devoid of your stories about variables that are truly unknown, you are OK. And when new events begin to unfold, if you stay in the moment and access your inner wisdom, you will know exactly what you need to do – or not to do – to be OK then too. And as you go about your daily life in this way, your calm resolve will permeate your interactions with others and through your example, you will help others to rise up to their challenges in ways that unearth the greatness in themselves as well.
The above article contains excerpts from my new book, The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be, available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.
For more on Surviving and Thriving in Change and Chaos:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be
Finding Your Answer In the Midst of Chaos
Photo #1 by Kirill Zdorov from Dreamstime.com. Photo #2 by Valeriy Khromov from Dreamstime.com.
On the Brink of Change
Are you at your wits end in your job, career, relationship, life in general? Experiencing delays, frustration, confusion, and even a little fear? Well, you might be closer to achieving something amazing than you think.
My last post, On the Verge of Transformation, featured an interview with a caterpillar. The above video continues the play by play in the life of a caterpillar, only this time from the inside of the cocoon (or chrysalis, if you want to be technically correct). I hope you enjoy it!
Here’s what I said in the video:
My daughter has this butterfly pavilion that we’ve been raising butterflies in. It’s been days since all the other chrysalises hatched. In fact, we let nine butterflies go out in the garden the other day. But there’s one that’s still in there, in its cocoon. We look at it every day hoping that we’ll catch it as its just emerging and it’s still in there.
I know it’s not dead because when I push on the side of the habitat, the chrysalis shakes gently, which is something that I learned they do to ward off predators. And, I can’t help but think how often we feel this way: we’re in this cocoon, there’s all kinds of change that’s happening, we’re not really sure which direction is up, and we’re the last one. For some of us, it takes longer than others.
If you’re feeling like you’re stuck in the cocoon, I think it’s probably very uncommon. And uncomfortable.
I read a story about a man who actually saw a butterfly trying to get out of the cocoon and used scissors to try to gently help the butterfly out. The butterfly fell out of the cocoon and it’s body was small and shriveled. It just kind of stumbled around on the ground and was finally just still.
What this man learned later was that to get out of the cocoon, the butterfly has to encounter the resistance. In the act of bumping up and busting out of the cocoon, the butterfly’s body fills up with fluid that it needs in order to spread its wings and be free and to turn into the beautiful creature that it is.
It’s such a great reminder to us that just when we feel things are at their darkest, and everything’s closing in and you just can’t take another minute of it — maybe that’s when we’re the closest to actually being ready to bust out. And maybe instead of thinking of all the resistance as overwhelming and exhausting, we can think of it as that final push we need to give in order to just break through into something wonderful that’s just been waiting for us.
For more on change and transformation:
The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be (book)
Busting Out of the Box (workshop)
On the Verge of Transformation
Taking Your Leap, Part I & Part II
Bridging the Gap Between No More and Not Yet
Crazy businessman picture by Stephane Durocher from Dreamstime.
Finding Your Answer In the Midst of Chaos
The video above was born of a desire to capture not only the feeling of frustration and chaos, but also a way to rise above it . Below is a transcript of what I said (minus the demonstration). And at the end of the transcript are links to other resources on finding answers in the midst of chaos.
Do you ever get so frustrated that you can’t take it anymore? Find yourself in a situation where you have NO IDEA what to do? So mad. All you want to do is get away. You want to leave. You want to escape. But you can’t. You’re stuck. And the more you panic, the tighter everything gets. The more trapped you feel. The more angry you are. And it gets worse. And WORSE.
Maybe it’s a conflict — a difficult conversation. Maybe someone just dropped a bomb on you — gave you feedback that was kind of painful. Or maybe someone just told you to get your project done in a day instead of a week. Maybe the rug just got pulled out from under you. Who knows?
We have this every day. I have this. And the more I resist, the more I LOSE IT. I lose my head. I lose touch with anything that might help me get out of the situation.
But you know what? Maybe, instead of trying to GET AWAY and make things happen just the way WE want them to, we can just relax, take a deep breath, reconnect, take another look and realize… Hey, you know what? It’s not as bad as I thought. I was making a lot of stuff up when I was panicking. But when I look at it and relax — when I connect, I realize I have everything I need.
And then, I find my answer. And so will you.
For more information on finding answers in the midst of chaos:
Lightening Your Load: Mind Over Matter
Have you ever noticed that your experience directly reflects your state of mind?
When our minds are cluttered, our surroundings have a way of mirroring that. Feelings of being scattered are often accompanied by piles of unfinished business everywhere you look or lists and notes of things to do that seem to multiply. When you feel heavy and bogged down, everything you do will feel harder and more cumbersome.
You may think that the way you feel is a result of your experiences, and that is true — the more you have to do, the more overwhelmed you will feel. But the reverse also applies — the more overwhelmed you feel, the more you are likely to approach things in a way that draws them out — perhaps by procrastinating, making things more complicated than they need to be, or using more energy to resist and worry than it would take to actually get things done. If we become fixated on evidence that suggests we can never rise above the way we are feeling, we trap ourselves in vicious circles where we will continue to see that which we long to rise above and feel the frustration of not being able to break free.
In fact, our frame of mind with everything we do will have a direct effect on whether the experience of doing it will be exhilarating and satisfying or frustrating and heavy. The stories we tell ourselves have a way of coming true – “There’s just way too much to do and not enough time to do it. I’m too busy to do anything fun, to take time out for my family, friends or myself, to ever get beyond the day to day and into those things I dream about…” The way out of the traps we set for ourselves is to start not with our experiences, but our thoughts.
The other day, I turned into my driveway and caught sight of hedges that needed trimming. “Wouldn’t it be fun to drop everything and go cut those right now – to just get out there and work in the yard for awhile?” I found myself thinking. And then I laughed as I realized that this task that seemed so enjoyable compared to the list of things on my plate at that moment was one of the very things I was dreading a few weekends ago. The task itself hadn’t changed, just the way I was thinking about it.
And it hit me that perhaps there was a way to transform all the things I needed to do that day — which were really bringing me down — into experiences that could be lighter and simpler — and maybe even fun. The key had to be in the way that I approached them – in what I was believing about them, and what I was focusing on as I did them. As I became aware of my attitude toward the tasks at hand, I realized that I was more fixated on checking the box than I was on enjoying the experience. And I was also swept up in the belief that the work ahead of me was going to be hard, onerous and complicated.
What if all that changed? What if instead of believing I had to get everything done perfectly, I just played at things, took myself a little less seriously, and lightened up a bit? And what if instead of believing I needed to get it ALL done, I just focused on what was most important — most aligned with the highest priorities in my day and in my life? And what if instead of driving solely toward the outcome, I allowed myself to be fully present in every moment that led up to it? Hmmmn.
Marcel Proust once said “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” And I have also heard it said that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
There is no better time to apply this than during the holiday season, when all too often the spirit of giving, joy, celebration and miracles gives way to stress, fatigue and overwhelm as harried people run themselves ragged trying to check a bunch of boxes and take care of their regular responsibilities and routines in addition to a multitude of additional tasks that often feel more cumbersome than joyful. The paradox is that even things we do that are meant to be fun can become overwhelming when our focus shifts from the joy of doing them to the desire to get them done and behind us.
The fundamental shift must come not in what we do, or even how we do it, but what we are thinking, believing and allowing ourselves to feel about what we are doing. To this end, setting an intention or statement of our desired experience can be very powerful. If what we want is greater freedom and joy, more meaning and satisfaction and heightened effectiveness, we must align our thoughts around enjoying those experiences before we even start. And we need to become diligently aware of the degree to which our thoughts stay aligned with our overarching intention. When they drift, we can come back to them, remember what we really want, and align ourselves with the state we wish to be in once again.
In this way, we break the vicious cycle of allowing our experiences to bring us down in ways that result in more lousy experiences — and begin anew. We consciously align our thoughts with what we most want, rather than letting them denigrate into the negative emotional states we seek to rise above. Our actions align with our thoughts, and we find ourselves coming up with creative ways to simplify, get focused on what is most important and get it done while enjoying ourselves in the process – and sharing our joy with everyone around us.
If you would like to read more about how to harness the power of your thoughts to create the life you’ve imagined for yourself, and lead others to do the same, check out my new book The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be. It is now available for preorder at http://www.PinocchioPrinciple.com and will be released on 1/11/11. If you order now, I’ll send you an autographed copy! Read more…
And if you’d like to work directly with me in an intimate small group setting to help you make ongoing progress toward your specific goals, aspirations and challenges with support, feedback and accountability, check out my new Adventures in Authentic Leadership series at www.DianeBolden.com/aial.html. The series kicks off on 1/13/11 and will meet every other Thursday from 11:30am to 1pm at my office in central Phoenix. Read more…
Become a subscriber at www.DianeBolden.com and receive my free report: Ten Traps Leaders Unwittingly Set for Themselves…and How to Avoid Them.
Though comments are currently closed, please feel free to email me at Diane@DianeBolden.com with your feedback, questions and thoughts. Have a specific challenge you’d like to see a post written about? Let me know. I’d love to hear from you!
An Antidote to Life’s Frustrations
“An effort made for the happiness of others lifts us above ourselves.”
~ Lydia M. Child (1802-1880) Writer
Do you ever feel so mired in frustration and challenge that you cannot see a way to move beyond it?
When life gets you down, it’s easy to become overly focused on all the things that seem to be a source of discontent. And it is all too easy to become completely absorbed in the feeling of dissatisfaction itself. When we do, this fixation acts as a magnifying glass, expanding to several times their normal size every problem or challenge we have until it all feels too entirely daunting to move at all. And this orientation has a way of somehow attracting all manner of setbacks and further complications our way. As the old saying goes, “when it rains, it pours.”
Perhaps the way we tend to act when we are already feeling defeated contributes to the negative cycle. Or it could be that when we are so intent on seeing all the things that we feel lousy about that even things that would normally not bear weight suddenly feel incredibly heavy. In any case, we all have days where what is going wrong seems to capture more of our attention than what is going right and life just feels like one d@#n thing after another.
At times like these, I believe that the best thing we can do is anything that allows us to go beyond ourselves to be of service to another human being. It may seem somewhat naïve and Pollyannaish to suppose that forgetting all your troubles to go help someone else would do much of anything to change the situation. How could something so simple and cliché have any impact when you feel so overwhelmed that you cannot do another thing?
Like many of us, I was given this advice when I was a child and have heard it repeatedly over the course of my life. Yeah, yeah, I often thought. But whenever I act on that counsel, I find myself surprised and delighted by what ends up happening.
The other day, I woke up to a list of things that needed to get done so long that I had to have a few more cups of coffee just to read through it. Many of the things on my list I had been procrastinating for some time. But they had to get done, and putting them off another day was just going to make things worse. And then I remembered something that happened the previous evening.
Our air conditioner began to sound a lot like an old Volkswagen bug stuck in an idle. The repairman arrived at the end of the day – after spending hours on other calls that ran long and had him laboring on rooftops in triple digit heat. But he managed to patiently and thoroughly check our unit to find that a plastic grocery bag had somehow gotten sucked into the fan. As soon as he removed it, the air conditioner sounded fine.
He could have ended the service call and went on his way. But he didn’t. He stayed and educated me on what I could do to keep the unit running efficiently – and even did some maintenance he wasn’t required to do – which led him to discover and fix potential problems that would have soon become costly repairs. I recall how thankful I was for his service and told him I would put in a good word for him with his boss.
So I made the phone call. I expressed my appreciation and gratitude to his manager and explained that because of his exceptional service, I would definitely be calling that company again. The woman on the other end of the line was delighted to hear good news and eager to give some recognition to the serviceman. I soon realized that making that call not only lifted my spirits, but hers as well. It was this burst of positivity that gave me new energy and a sense of lightness that I brought to all my other activities.
So the next time you find yourself feeling defeated, see if there is something – anything – you can do for another human being. It doesn’t have to be big – just unexpected and uncalled for. I can almost guarantee that it will do just as much for you (and maybe even more) as it will for the other person.
Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010. All rights reserved.
If you liked this post, you may enjoy other articles written about Inspiring Yourself & Others. Download these and others for free at www.DianeBolden.com/solutions. While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month. You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.
Mind Over Minutia
Mind Over Minutia
The other day I was out running with my dog and a song by the artist Jem came on my iPod. “And so I pray,” she sang. “I wish that all these things would go away. To disappear if only for a day. Know I can’t go but I don’t want to stay.” I laughed as I thought of all the things on my growing to do list that I feel like I have to get done in order to do what really matters to me.
Later that day I talked with a client who expressed frustration at having to go to this meeting and that, be involved in projects and committees he didn’t see the point of, thinking that if he didn’t have to do these things, perhaps he could do something really significant and meaningful. In many of my meetings with clients, someone is lamenting over having to deal with a person they find difficult to work with (or be around) who has a way of throwing wet blankets on their greatest ideas, or roadblocks in the way of their progress. Of course, I can relate to all of this. I think we all can. And yet, I have to believe that these little things that have a way of driving us crazy sometimes must serve some vital purpose in our lives.
Repeatedly, I find myself encouraging my clients to envision that which they believe would be the ultimate for them. For some it is becoming a C level leader, a best-selling author, an accomplished musician, a sought after professional. For others it is better leveraging their talents in a way that allows them to get paid to do what they do best and most enjoy. Perhaps it is simply learning to let go and enjoy the flow of life while maintaining a healthy work life balance and knowing that the work they do will allow them to have the financial resources necessary to get their needs met. Do you have some secret dream of becoming more than you currently are? Of tapping into the vast field of potential that lies waiting for you to discover it?
See if you can envision what it would be like to have already achieved that dream. Can you see through the eyes of someone who has already arrived? Get into it. Play with it. Become it – if only in your mind. Now, with that state of mind – what would you do differently in the face of all the challenges you have today? Would you find ways to minimize the time you spend on trivial things so that you could pour more of yourself into what really matters? Would you show up differently in those meetings, projects and tasks? Would you get started on that project/venture/creation that has been quietly and persistently beckoning to you? Would you bring more of yourself to what you are doing? Connect more deeply with others? Be more present? Could you find a way to transform your conflicts into opportunities for collaboration?
Albert Einstein once said “Problems cannot be solved from the same level of thinking from which they were created.” We can elevate our thinking to break out of dynamics that keep us from getting where we most want to go. We can see through the eyes of someone who has already fulfilled their greatest potential, and experience our current tasks and challenges as though we were reliving the memory of what it was like in the days before we achieved it. Perhaps the very things we wish we didn’t have to do today are exactly what we need to prepare ourselves for where we most want to go.
Whether I like it or not, my kids are video game fanatics. They know that to get to level 8 of their favorite adventures, they must successfully complete levels 1 through 7. When they are able to move through those lower levels with the skills and mindsets of the master, they will achieve their goal. And then they are ready for newer, more difficult and increasingly exciting video games. Perhaps the same is true for each of us in the bigger game of work and life.
What will you do today to play more fully?
“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land, there is no other life but this.”
~ Henry David Thoreau
Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2009. All rights reserved.
Woman with checklist picture by Feverpitched from Dreamstime.com.
Defining Moments
Defining Moments
As a part of my Transformations in Leadership workshops, I ask participants to write about their defining moments. We all have them. Sometimes while they are occurring, we feel as though everything is coming apart. They can be uncomfortable experiences that we end up learning a lot from but would rather never repeat. Pleasant or unpleasant, they are critical to our growth as they mark the passages that lead us to close one door and open another. They may be dramatic changes that end up altering our jobs, environments or careers or they could simply be significant shifts in the way we view ourselves and the world around us.
One of my defining moments came after working for about a year at an advertising agency right after college. Having yet to arrive at the realization of what I wanted to do with my life, I took the job because it had elements of what I studied in college: English, business and communication – and because it sounded fun and interesting. I started as an administrative assistant with the promise that it wouldn’t be long before I would be promoted into something a bit more substantive.
Turns out advertising just wasn’t my thing. The work itself didn’t pique much interest in me, but I was intrigued with the organization and the people in it. Turnover was high, morale was low, and the customer was an afterthought. I knew that all that could be changed – that something could be done to allow people to feel more alive in their jobs, to ensure that the customer was happy, that the company was growing and profitable. So I got to work talking to people.
I interviewed smart, ambitious entry level personnel, who felt discouraged and overlooked when the jobs they were working toward were filled by people from outside of the company. I talked to new creative staff and account executives who came in and hit the ground running, knowing little about the agency or its customer. I spoke with seasoned executives who lamented that no one seemed to care about what was most important anymore. I integrated all their insights, ideas and suggestions with my own observations and created a proposal to implement a program that would allow seasoned people to train and mentor newer folks, better integrate with the customer, and grow the business from within.
Knowing little about corporate politics, I went straight to the VP of Operations with my proposal to create the program and allow me to run it. He listened intently, asked several questions, and arranged subsequent meetings with others in the company. It wasn’t long before a position was created. My boss at the time, who wasn’t impressed with my lack of passion for being an administrative assistant or the fact that I went over her head with my proposal (which I never even told her I was working on) was outraged. She called upon her networks to put a stop to things. A few days later I was told that while the company was going to create the position and launch the program I proposed, because of all the controversy, they could not allow me to head it up.
I was crushed. I remember walking across the agency’s glossy floors and out the tall glass double doors of the building to sit on a park bench. I was burning with animosity, rage, and frustration at the seeming injustice of it all. Sitting on that bench writing my letter of resignation with a shaky hand, the wave of anxiety eventually released me from its grip and I was overcome with a sense of calm clarity. I was onto something here. Maybe there was a way that I could work with corporations, organization and people themselves to bring out their latent talent and harness it in a way that could contribute to a common goal.
That defining moment led me on a search that would allow me to find ways to do more of the work that beckoned to me. It launched a chain of events that has led me to learn more about myself and make the most of experiences that would further prepare me for the work that I do now. And I am grateful – so completely and utterly grateful – that it happened, though at the time I thought it was the worst possible thing.
What were some of your defining moments? What have they prepared you for? As you look back, what have they taught you about yourself? Perhaps you are experiencing a defining moment right now… If as you read these words you are feeling disoriented, fearful, or even plain confused about a course of events that doesn’t seem to have any purpose other than to make life miserable, chances are you may be in the midst of one. If you have not yet found the gift in the experience, rest assured that you soon will – if that is what you desire. Chances are it will lead you to new frontiers that will allow you to breathe more life and love into everything you do.
Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2009. All rights reserved.
Have an experience we can all learn from? Please share it!
If you would like to read more about taking risks and learning from the outcome (regardless of whether it went the way you hoped it would), visit www.DianeBolden.com/articles and download “A Leader’s Leap.” You might also like “Life’s Perfect Classroom”. While you are there, sign up to begin receiving the Synchronistically Speaking ezine (it’s free) and receive a new article each month.
Diane Bolden is passionate about working with leaders to unleash human potential. An executive coach, speaker, author and organization development professional with more than 19 years of experience in leadership development, coaching and consulting, Diane has worked with managers, directors and vice presidents/officers in Fortune 500 companies and nonprofit organizations to achieve higher levels of performance and success
