Diane Bolden’s Synchronistically Speaking

One morning my six year old daughter spotted some old clothes she had outgrown sitting on a high shelf in her closet.  On the top of the pile were a pair of sparkly tennis shoes she used to love.  Seeing them up there reignited her adoration and she insisted on wearing them to school.  Knowing they were a couple sizes too small, I told her she could wear them around the house for awhile instead. 

She did, along with a soft pink sweater whose long sleeves were now almost to her elbows.  Watching her cram her little feet into those even littler shoes reminded me of the stepsisters in the story of Cinderella.  A fiercely determined and somewhat stubborn child, she shoved and pulled until she finally got both heels into the shoes along with her poor little toes which were likely crammed into a small ball.  When she stood up, the sweater revealed her belly button.  “Look Mom,” she proudly shouted, “They still fit!”

I smiled and went on with my morning routine while she ran through the house, stopping every once in a while to play with something she found interesting.  After about ten minutes, I walked into the kitchen to see my daughter disgustedly fling the shoes in opposite directions across the room.  “Mom, those shoes hurt me!” she complained.  “And I don’t like this sweater anymore either.”

“Sweetheart, that’s because you’ve grown since you last wore them.  You’re a bigger girl now.”  I explained.  “Do you grow out of your clothes too?” she asked.  I thought about my jeans which had been fitting a little tighter since Christmas, but decided not to go there.  “Well, once you get to be as old as Mommy, you’re body doesn’t really grow much,” I answered. 

 Hours after she left for school I reflected on that conversation and the experience my young daughter had shared with me.  I realized that though my body isn’t growing anymore (with the occasionally unfortunate exception of my waist and hips), the rest of me still is.  I think all of us are in some way. 

The more we cling to that which we have outgrown, the more painful the experience becomes until, as my daughter learned, the discomfort of wearing the old stuff becomes greater than that of letting it go.  And I mused that there have been times in my life where I’ve inflicted quite a bit of pain on myself out of fear of letting go and moving onto something new and roomier.  I have clients, family members and friends who have done the same thing. 

Sometimes when change comes we resist it because we fear that it will require too much effort to adapt, or that it will land us in a place where we are unequipped to handle whatever is coming next.  Paradoxically, my experience has been that the resistance itself can create far more pain than the new experience. 

Having children is a great example.  With each child, my life changed dramatically.  My daughter was our third – causing my husband and me to be outnumbered and effectively thrusting our household into a chaos that we have learned to roll with over the years.  Any creation you give birth to is bound to do the same thing.  But it will also bring you greater joy than you ever could have imagined.

To allow ourselves to experience all the magic these new opportunities and challenges bring, we need to do what we can to avoid tightening up and blocking ourselves from the experience.  Even the act of childbirth itself becomes more painful when the muscles involved contract in different directions in response to fear.  Having had three opportunities to experience this phenomenon, I can tell you that learning to relax and allow the muscles to work together in harmony makes all the difference in the world.  And I believe the same is true with life itself.

What is trying to happen in your life right now?  And what can you do to give yourself fully to the experience? 

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010.  All rights reserved.

If you liked this post, you may also enjoy Room to Grow, It’s a Stretch and Changing Tides.  Download these and other articles for free at www.DianeBolden.com/articles. While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

On the Verge of a New Chapter

 There is something magical about being at the threshold of a new year.  It is like climbing to the top of a long staircase to find ourselves on a landing, standing before a large glimmering door just waiting to be opened.  As we look down, we realize how far we have climbed to get here.  Yet we cannot help but wonder what lies behind the door. 

 Often we underestimate the amount of growth we have achieved until we take some time to reflect on the unique combination of experiences we have had that led to both successes and disappointments and what we have learned from them.  I often work with people who feel they are ready for a change, but aren’t sure what that change should be.  They aren’t necessarily miserable in their jobs or other areas of their lives – they just long for something that will fill them up in ways they haven’t been fulfilled in the past. 

 When I coach people who feel this way, they often want me to tell them what the next best step is – give them the answer, or perhaps a step by step process that will lead them to find what they seek.  Of course, no person has these answers for another.  Our greatest challenge and opportunity is to find them for ourselves. 

 I firmly believe that each of our lives has a story with perfect order and meaning.  As within a novel or a screen play, each character has a specific relationship to the main character and every scene has some relevance to his growth and evolution. There will be victories and disappointments, as well as twists and turns that transition us from one to another and back again.  We will have occasion to laugh, cry and experience a myriad of other emotions that are somewhere in between.  And as a result of this perfect combination of events and mini plots, we discover ourselves to be better people.

 When we are reading a book or watching a movie, the perfect order is often easier for us to see than it is for the characters enmeshed in the stories we are watching.  Yet the mystery and intrigue, the humor over each misstep and the courage we see the characters exude to find their way give substance to the story and allow us to leave the book or the theatre feeling moved or inspired in some way.

 As you look over the previous year, see if you can identify the most pivotal turns your story has taken.  What did you learn from them?  Think about your character sketch.  What are the endearing qualities you have that make you unique and special?  How can you leverage them to build on the previous events to create a story worth telling?

 Think also about the people that surround you.  In what ways are they helping you grow?  What are they teaching you about yourself – whether in joyful or painful ways?  And what are the qualities they possess that are similar to and different than yours?  How do you compliment each other, and what might it be that you can create together?

 As you sit at the threshold of another chapter in your story, contemplate what you you have already experienced and ask yourself how you might build upon it to add a bit of intrigue and adventure.  Identify the ways that you could add a little lightness and humor. Think about the interplay between the characters and how you could spice things up a little. 

 We have each been given the makings of a beautiful tale.  Open your eyes and survey them the way you would the perfectly planned detail of your favorite movie or novel.  Give yourself completely to the adventure, the possibilities, and the humor in your life. Then find a way to revel in the joy of living it.

 Happy New Year to all!  Wishing you all a bright, beautiful 2010.

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2009.  All rights reserved.

 If you liked this post, you may also enjoy Life’s Perfect Classroom and In the Flow.  Download these and other articles for free at www.DianeBolden.com/articles.  While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

Leadership & Limbo Land

Yesterday I had a conversation with an exceptionally talented leader who went to great lengths to take on a flailing high profile project because he wanted to turn it around.    He explained his desire to continue onto new frontiers of increasingly difficult and expansive initiatives with the simple statement of, “you know, if you aren’t growing you’re dying.” 

Earlier this week, someone sent me an email containing a quote by Jack Canfield who said “Everything you want is outside your comfort zone.”   I had to stop and think about that one, because I wasn’t sure I agreed with it initially.  Lots of things I want are in my comfort zone because – well, they make me feel comfortable.  I made it through that initial period where I didn’t really know what I was doing and finally arrived at the place where I could successfully perform with a minimum of effort. 

But if I’m really honest with myself, I have to say that what beckons to me is outside of my comfort zone.  It is that which I dream about but am not sure how to do – the off road adventures that diverge from the paved path I have become accustomed to traveling.  And there’s danger there – real or perceived, the wheels could come off and I might find myself stranded and quite uncomfortable. 

But as I look back at my life, I realize that those periods of discomfort preceded some of the greatest accomplishments and most gratifying turns my life has taken.  In talking with others, I find many feel the same.  Some of us, like the leader I talked with yesterday, regularly seek out new growth.  Others find that it is ushered in via a variety of doors that seem to be closing and opening or a period of heightened dissatisfaction or restlessness that leads them to ponder what’s next.

Over the last few weeks and months it seems many of my clients have either experienced or are on the brink of undertaking dramatic changes in their lives and careers that will give way to entirely new worlds of possibility and unchartered territory.  I can relate to them, as I feel I am transitioning between two worlds myself – one that is known, predictable, and somewhat effortless and another that feels daunting, overwhelming and mysteriously promising.  I call this place limbo land. 

Limbo land is akin to chaos.  Merriam Webster defines chaos as “a state of things in which chance is supreme; the confused unorganized state of primordial matter before the creation of distinct forms.”  I suppose it is what the caterpillar experiences in the cocoon as everything it has once been completely dissolves to become something entirely new.  It is a period of undoing and non-doing that flies in the face of everything we are accustomed to.  Rather than moving full speed ahead, it is a time for reflection, integration and renewal. 

Yoga instructors often reiterate that it is the four to five minutes of a pose called Shivasana at the end of the class that are the most important.  During this time, the fifty to seventy minutes of engaging and stretching muscles give way to a period of laying flat on your back, letting go of everything and allowing your body to melt into the floor.  It is during this time that all the benefits of the previous activity take root.

As the year comes to an end, we see this practice in nature.  Many trees have lost their leaves and the grass and plants – even our hair grows slower.  Various animals hibernate.  It’s a great time to slow down long enough to look back over the year and reflect on where it has taken us and how it has prepared us for what lies ahead.  As we take stock of all that we have mastered, we can begin to give heed to that which is glimmering on the horizon and honor the ways in which we ourselves are evolving.   From this period of thoughtful reflection, we can revel in the progress we have made and ready ourselves for the adventures to come.

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2009.  All rights reserved.

If you liked this post, you may also enjoy A Leader’s Leap and It’s a Stretch.  Download these and other articles for free at www.DianeBolden.com/articles.  While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.