Diane Bolden’s Synchronistically Speaking

OK.  This week’s video is definitely not me in my most attractive moments.  But I offer it to you in hopes that it will give you some levity in a season that can get quite stressful if we let it. 

I have learned over the years to keep things in perspective – and the ones who have probably taught me the most on that are my kids.  I took my inspiration – and my lead – from them on this one. 

Enjoy!

For more on Lightening Up and Keeping Things in Perspective:

A Story About Lightening Up

Lightening Your Load: Mind Over Matter

The Tyranny of Should: Chore vs. Choice

Beyond Boundaries

Do you ever feel as though your life is just one big to do list that never gets completed?

Well, if you do you’re not alone.  Many of us feel as though a starting gun goes off at the beginning of the day and the hours that follow seem a lot like a marathon with no finish line.  Some spend their nights dreaming of the things they worked on during the day or what has yet to be done.  And others lie awake thinking about it.  It reminds me of the poor guy in Greek mythology, Sisyphus, who was condemned to roll a great boulder to the top of a hill only to have it roll back down just before he reached the summit. 

I was feeling this way recently, and in the midst of the craze I was aware of a longing to escape from the tyranny I had created for myself.  And it really is a self created tyranny. So much of our lives is dictated by the habits and patterns we fall into and the way we think about things.  The danger is when we become so tangled up in routines and thoughts that we forget that we are the ones who created them.  A good coach can help you pinpoint the underlying patterns that are the root of the anxiety you are experiencing – so that you can take steps to alleviate your suffering.   And with practice, we can all learn to do this for ourselves as well.

I don’t know if I have this whole thing licked just yet, but I believe I’m making progress.  I thought it might be helpful to share the process I went through.  Though the solution I came up with may not be the right one for you, the process itself may help you find one that is a perfect fit. 

(1)  GET A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE. 

When you get to that point where you feel something’s got to give, the most powerful thing you can do is find a way to pull yourself up and out for a bit – so that instead of being immersed in your pattern, you can simply observe it.  I noticed that I was in a continual state of churning — so preoccupied with wanting to keep working at things on my list that I had little patience for anything else that required my attention, including my kids.  I was acting in a way that was inconsistent with my true values.  And I didn’t like what I saw. 

It became apparent that I was having trouble shifting gears from achieving my work related goals to giving energy to other equally important parts of my life.  I realized the pressure I was experiencing to finish everything before I could attend to what was next was largely self imposed.  What I really want is to experience a sense of ease and lightness in the things that I do — to enjoy not just the outcome, but also the process of achieving my goals and living my life itself – all areas of my life.   

(2)  CREATE A SYSTEM THAT SUPPORTS YOUR NEW PERSPECTIVE. 

Ask yourself the question, what do I need to do to align my actions with my new way of thinking?  What new habits or patterns can I create that will better serve me?  I had to remind myself that finishing everything on my to do list is a pipe dream that only leads to disappointment.  I remembered my own advice to clients – use your never ending “to do” list as a “maybe I’ll do list” so that your mind can rest in knowing that nothing is going to fall through the cracks.  With that in mind, I created the following system for myself:

• Each day, I identify a list of my top three to five priority tasks from my “maybe I’ll do list” as well as some additional items that would be great to do but okay to leave undone if necessary.  I enter these things on a “THINGS TO DO TODAY” list on my calendar in an appointment slot at the beginning of the day.  I also create a “THINGS I DID TODAY” entry as an appointment slot at the end of the day.
•  Throughout the day, as I accomplish things, I transfer them from my “THINGS TO DO” list to my “THINGS I DID” list, and take delight as the former list gets smaller while the latter grows larger.  (It’s even a bigger thrill for me than checking a box!)
•  At the end of the day I spend twenty minutes to stop, assess and plan for the next day.  I acknowledge myself for what I have completed.  I look at what remains on my “THINGS TO DO LIST” for that day and transfer any incomplete items to my  ”THINGS TO DO” list for the next day (which leaves my THINGS TO DO list for that day blank and gives me a feeling of closure  - woo hoo!).  I take a look at my calendar and my “maybe I’ll do list”  to assess what my priorities are for the following day and add them to the next day’s list.  Then I clean off my desk and go pick up my kids.

 Granted, there will be days where all heck breaks loose and I’m unable to follow my system the way I’ve planned it.  And that’s OK.  The more I follow it, the more engrained and natural it will become.  My goal is to change my feeling of being out of control to become more intentional and conscious about the way I use my time.  So any little change will be progress.  I encourage you to be kind to yourself as you endeavor to change your habits and patterns as well.

(3) BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND

You can start this before you go to bed at night.  Envision yourself waking with energy, enthusiasm and inspiration.  I like to take a quick glance at my “THINGS TO DO LIST” for the next day with gratitude that I will have everything I need to accomplish it.  I believe this allows my subconscious mind to begin working on things while I sleep – which will potentially  lead to new insights when I awaken. 

As you begin your day,  get very clear on what you’d like to experience by day’s end — and every moment in between and see if you can experience that state before you even begin.  See if you can remember the last time you were in your productive zone, where you accomplished more than you thought possible.  Move into that feeling and replicate it for yourself.  If you find yourself becoming anxious, stressed, or slipping into old patterns, come back to your intention and desired perspective,  take a deep breath and let it inform your action.

The important thing is to tap into your inner genius to find the answers you most need.  I’ve found this to be so important that I’ve written a book about it.  It’s called The Pinocchio Principle ~ Being Real: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be and it will be released on 1/11/11.  I’ve also decided to work with a small group of eight people to lead them through this process (based on the book) as well.  A few spots still remain.  We’ll meet at my office in Phoenix for 90 minutes twice a month for a period of six months, beginning in January.  Contact me at Diane@DianeBolden.com if you are interested in participating.  The cost is $900 ($75 a session) and payment plans are available.

Stay tuned for more information and subscribe to my free monthly ezine at www.DianeBolden.com to hear about free upcoming events, videos and teleseminars.

Though comments are currently closed, please feel free to email me at Diane@DianeBolden.com with your feedback, questions and thoughts.  Have a specific challenge you’d like to see a post written about?  Let me know.  I’d love to hear from you!

One day a few months ago, I went to go pick up my youngest son from his friend’s house.  As we were leaving, I mindlessly threw the car into reverse, took a quick glance behind me to make sure no one was walking there, and stepped on the gas.  While the car lurched backward, I was jabbering away to my son about all the things we needed to get done that day when suddenly the car came to an abrupt stop, accompanied by the sound of crunching metal. 

What I failed to take in with my cursory glance was the fact that another car was parked directly across the street from the driveway that I was backing out of.  And since it didn’t register, I neglected to turn the wheel at the angle that would have allowed me to avoid the collision we had just experienced.  I felt a flame of frustration mixed with anger flare up inside of me.  “Why did this have to happen?  Why couldn’t I have just slowed down long enough to realize there was a car behind me? And why the he*! would anyone park directly behind someone else’s driveway?”

I breathed a heavy sigh as I realized that all the things I was eager to hurry up and get done would now have to wait.  We parked the car and walked up the path to the neighbor’s house to let them know what happened.  The car, it turned out, belonged to a sixteen year old boy who was studying at his friend’s house.  I asked him for his information, gave him mine, and assured him that I would pay for the damages his car incurred because of my negligence.  Being sixteen, he insisted on calling his parents, who insisted on getting the police involved.   

Realizing that none of the things I wanted to accomplish would now get done that day, I resigned myself to sitting and waiting.  My son’s friend’s parents laughed as they recounted their own story of having done the same thing I just did a few weeks earlier, complete with the same frustration and the same question of why someone would choose to park in such a precarious place.  I was completely engulfed with pity, anger and self absorption. 

As the time continued to pass, I gradually moved outside my little world and realized that though I may have believed I was inconvenienced by this whole series of events, my tribulations were minute compared to what this poor boy and his family now had to endure because of my thoughtless and frenzied pace, not to mention the police who surely had more important things to tend to. 

The kid, it turns out, had only recently gotten his license, and only recently been allowed the privilege of driving his parents’ car.  He was worried that in some way his actions would compromise their trust in him.  His mother, who most certainly had other ideas of how she wanted to use her time that day, had to forfeit everything to drive over and wait for the police to come fill out a report.  And the parents of my son’s friend had to put up with me hanging around in their driveway for who knew how long until closure was obtained with the whole ordeal.

A wave of humility and embarrassment came over me as I realized how selfish I had been with my thoughts and my time.  And once I started seeing the situation through the eyes of others, my own frustration became replaced with a desire to make the situation more endurable for everyone involved. 

That simple shift in my frame of reference made all the difference in the quality of the day I was having, and I think (or at least hope) it prevented the quality of everyone else’s day from further deteriorating due to my previous attitude and the actions that it was resulting in.  Our conversations transitioned from being strained to somewhat enjoyable, and the more I empathized with the other people involved in the unfortunate incident, the more they empathized with me.  Before long, everyone’s agenda shifted to making the best of things – which we actually ended up doing.

When life’s little disturbances throw a monkey wrench in things, we cannot help but feel frustration.  And of course we tend to see things from our own frame of reference most of the time.  But we need to be wary of getting so wrapped up in our own little worlds that we neglect to realize the impact situations (especially those we directly contributed to) have on others. 

Allowing others to become the center of our frame of reference allows us to see things we previously missed, and connect with them in ways that enrich everyone.  Our universes expand, and the gifts that comes out of situations like that are often greater than anyone could ever anticipate.  I am convinced that every situation, no matter how annoying it may seem at the time, brings with it a gift.  The question is – will we be able to get to the place where we can see it, and to what degree will we allow it to work its magic?

As a result of that little experience, I try (though I don’t always succeed) to dedicate myself to the habit of really looking around me to take in a bigger picture – not just when I’m driving, but everywhere I go and with everything I do.  I have learned that when I make myself the center of my own universe, I tend to overlook important details and even more important, people.  And that at any point I can turn that all around – even when things don’t go the way I would have liked.   Sometimes I don’t remember that until after the fact, but thankfully life is rich with opportunities for practice.

In any conflict – whether self imposed or unexpectedly encountered, we have the choice of what frame of reference we can view things from.  And that decision will make all the difference in the world.   

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010.  All rights reserved.

If you liked this post, you may enjoy other articles written about Navigating Through Change, Challenge & Uncertainty .  Download these and others for free at www.DianeBolden.com/solutions.  While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

As I write this post, it is about 5:30 pm on a Wednesday afternoon and I’m sitting on my patio gazing over my back fence at a brand new twenty foot high three car garage that recently took the place of what used to be a spectacular mountain view.  I write about this incident because it set into motion some interesting and curious events that led me through an array of emotions.  My perspective initially produced sadness, irritation, anger and disgust, which gradually gave way to complacency and ultimately – though I never would have believed it – transformed not only into acceptance, but gratitude.

Now, believe me, if this post had been written the day after we met the man – a developer – who moved into the house across the alley from us – my tone and words would have been quite different.  We were shocked and outraged.  Wanting to be neighborly, my husband and I introduced ourselves.  With a very matter of fact manner , the man led us to his back yard and explained his plans.  Our efforts to become better acquainted were met with the words “You all are being very gracious, but it is not like I’m asking your permission.”  I remember watching his lips move but not quite receiving the impact of his words until we got back home and almost simultaneously uttered to each other – “Did he really say that?!”

To be fair, the man is a competitive water skier, and a large structure to house his equipment is apparently a necessity for him.  It is his property after all, and he has every right to build what he wants there – though it seems a bit peculiar that the new construction was reserved for his various vehicles while he apparently has elected to use the existing garage as his living quarters.  The other strange thing is that this monstrously high structure actually eviscerated his own view of the mountain – a detail that I didn’t actually notice until the initial anger subsided and my mind became curiously reflective.

But the event spun a whole series of reactions into play.  Over the initial few weeks after we met the man, we were consumed with bitterness which cast a long, dark shadow over our usually very happy household.  We couldn’t look out the window without feeling irritation and decided that we didn’t want to live in a continual state of anger.  So we began looking for a new house.  Our initial efforts were somewhat non eventful, but we did actually end up finding something not far from our old home that we really liked.  It was a short sale.  We made an offer that got accepted after what seemed like an excruciatingly long period of waiting during which we put our current home on the market for sale or lease.

When the sign went up in our front yard, I felt an intense sadness that grew more and more pronounced when people came into the house to view it.  My husband and I both were struck with how much we loved our home, the memories we shared in it (including watching all three of our children grow from babies to toddlers and beyond), and the things we did over the years to make it our own – not the least of which was a fairly substantial remodel. 

The realization that we were actually moving was bittersweet.  There were many things the new house offered that the old one didn’t, and we were excited about the possibilities.  But we began to notice that the longer things played out, the less enamored we were and the more we became focused on what we would be losing.   Well, as luck would have it, the sellers defaulted on their contract and we ended up canceling the sale.

And now, I couldn’t be happier!  The monstrosity across the alley that once produced feelings of bitterness and resentment is a constant reminder for me to count my blessings and remember what is truly important in my life.  I am grateful to have a home at all – which I realize is more than many people have right now.  But I am most grateful  for the new appreciation and insight this change in perspective have given me on my power to frame and reframe the experiences that determine how I feel on any given day.  And to recognize that the old adage – home is where the heart is – is really true.  The degree to which my heart is open is exclusively dependent on me and everything I see really is a matter of perspective.  Makes me wonder what else I might be seeing that has an entirely new and empowering interpretation I have not yet landed on…