Diane Bolden’s Synchronistically Speaking

As we move through the holiday season and approach the end of the calendar year, people often find themselves in a bit of a frenzy racing from one activity to the next, their heads filled with chatter and a continually growing list of things to do. It is easy to lose ourselves in a flurry of activity and miss out on the purpose behind all the things we tend to do at this time of the year. If you have ever found yourself collapsing in a heap wondering where the time went and feeling depleted rather than filled by the holiday spirit, you know what I’m talking about.

When your pocketbook has reached the place where there just isn’t a lot more give, take comfort in the fact that there is a gift you can share that transcends all others and won’t cost you a thing. It is the gift of presence, a state that allows us to truly bring out the best in ourselves so that we can do the same for others. The gift of presence is one that allows everyone to receive its benefits, and you can experience it wherever you are — whether in a meeting, running an errand, sitting at your desk, or in a conversation with someone important to you. This practice has the power to transform the way you experience your daily life and what it allows you to create for yourself and others — without really doing anything at all.

Can you recall the last time you felt totally and completely attended to?

Chances are it wasn’t when someone was giving you advice or telling you what to do. It may not have even been when someone was engaging in an activity on your behalf or watching you tear open a gift. And yet when we think of giving something to others our minds often immediately jump to what we can do, say or buy for someone. Many times the best gift we can give someone is that of our presence.

But what exactly is presence?

The word present derives from the Latin past participle praesse meaning “to be before one”, from the roots pra – pre + esse – to be. I believe presence is a state of being that’s achieved when we are truly in the moment, allowing it to unfold without judging it, labeling it, or getting lost in our thoughts about what it means or what we believe should be happening next (or instead). Presence allows us to cut through the clamor of our preoccupations, worries and fears so that our true selves can emerge. It is a gateway through which our intuition and inner wisdom enters and expresses itself. A moment of presence is a state of grace that can produce great insights that help us to truly learn from our experiences, make the most of our opportunities and rise up to our challenges in creative ways. In these moments of presence, we know who we really are and what we are truly capable of.

Have you ever noticed that people tend to match each other’s intensity and tone when they are together? Comments about trivial matters are often matched with similar banter. Expressions of fear or dread often elicit responses that are equally charged, and expressions of anger have a way of provoking reactions that people later regret. In a similar manner, moments of presence when shared with others can evoke powerful responses that can be revealing and transformational. This is because when you are truly present with another human being you create a space that allows that person’s true self to come out as well. This is why the best leaders have learned to become comfortable with silence, to listen more than they talk, and to allow themselves to become instruments that help others to recognize their own greatness – not necessarily through anything that say or do, but rather through moments of presence that are created and shared with others.

So how does one cultivate a moment of presence?

It is really rather simple, though far easier said than done.

(1) The first step is to be still. That’s right. Sit still. I know it goes against everything you were probably taught about getting things done and being useful. But do it anyway. You can practice now, while you read this. Become aware of your breathing, of the space you are sitting in, of the weight of your body and how it feels in this moment. Feel the life inside you and trace it to each part of your body. Listen to the sounds around you. Take a deep breath. Let it out slowly.

(2) Become aware of your thoughts. Observe the activity of your mind as it continues to process whatever is there– thoughts like, “this is silly, really – I have way to much to do to be sitting here, doing this…” and “I have to remember to call so and so back today,” and “What did my [boss, colleague, friend, etc.] mean when he/she said…”. Recognize that you are not your thoughts, but rather the thinker of your thoughts. Simply watch them parade around, without getting sucked into them. Feel how much bigger you are than all of that. Continue to breathe it in.

(3) Step three…. There really is no step three. Simply continue to repeat steps one and two, immersing yourself more deeply into the experience with each breath. You don’t need to do this for an extended period of time, unless you want to. Often even a couple of minutes are sufficient to bring you to a more intense state of awareness and aliveness.

In these moments of presence, you will experience things on a different level – one that allows you to respond from a deeper, wiser part of yourself. And when you are with others, you will bring out that deeper, wiser part of them as well. Presence is incredibly powerful to practice with others. The process is the same, except that you expand your awareness to take in the other person as well. Look into their eyes, and listen to what they are saying. But listen to what they are not saying as well. Presence is more about being than doing. So allow yourself to truly BE with another, devoid of judgments, labels, and agendas. When you listen from this place, you are like water to a thirsty plant, allowing others to open up and soak in needed nutrients. And in this space, they may just find the answers they seek as well – not because you are giving them, but because you have created a space that is illuminating for everyone.

Picture by scottchan.

The other day I treated myself to a massage.  It was a welcome reprieve and my muscles were sore, so it felt especially good.  Every time I do something like that, I consciously try to be in a state of hyper awareness, where nothing will escape my perception.  I want to enjoy every single second of the experience and do whatever I can to dive into it completely.  In this state, I have often felt as though perhaps it is possible to slow time down.  While the physical act of doing so is improbable (though there are some who believe there is no such thing as time), I do believe that being intensely present allows us to fill each second of our time with more awareness, more enjoyment, more of life’s sweetness than ever.

I contrast this to how I often feel driving home at the end of a long day in traffic (especially if there are screaming kids in the car), cleaning up after my dog or cat, or getting a cavity filled.  Engaged in a somewhat banal or even unpleasant activity such as this, I can to some degree disengage from it altogether, and occupy my mind with other things.  This seems to have a way of speeding everything up and making the whole experience distant and somewhat blurred upon my recollection of it.  I can drive all the way home in this state and not be able to recall a single landmark I passed along the way.

The knowledge that I have the ability to slow down or speed up time for myself in this way is interesting to me.  But what is even more intriguing – and somewhat unsettling – is the thought of how much of my life is spent somewhere between these two extremes, kind of on auto pilot.  How many times in a conversation with someone is my mind somewhere else – scanning my “to do” list, thinking of what I could prepare for dinner, or even contemplating what I want to say next?  How many times when my kids come proudly marching through the door to show me their latest artwork do I half heartedly glance up from what I’m doing and offer feigned enthusiasm?  What I miss in those moments is something I can never get back.

I used to feel it was important to capture special times on film – and lugged around a camera, camcorder (or both) at the kids’ recitals, ball games, or during vacations and holiday events.  Then one day I realized I’d get so caught up in getting the perfect shot that I missed those precious moments altogether.  And they are never quite the same when you watch them on video.  So I began to resist the urge to reach for those devices (or even bring them altogether), and instead simply immerse myself in whatever was going on.  I think the quality of my memories has improved significantly – even if I don’t have a lot of photos or videos to show for it.

What if we lived more of our lives with the kind of presence we have when we don’t want to miss a thing?  How much more in tune would we be with each other?  How much more of each other would we actually experience and enjoy?  How much more trust could we inspire and nurture?  How much more joy could we create?  How many more problems would we solve with solutions that addressed those little things that may have previously escaped our awareness and come back to bite us?   How much more of our very selves could we bring to everything that we do and everyone we are with?  And how much better the world would be because of it!

Perhaps as we become more aware of the degree to which we are really showing up, we can begin to gauge how much of our lives we are truly living.  And then we can consciously create – and enjoy - lives worth living for.  

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010.  All rights reserved.

“We can do more good by being good, than in any other way.”     

~ Rowland Hill

Driving to an appointment the other day, I went to make a right turn and couldn’t help but notice the people in each of the cars lined up waiting to turn left.  One woman had a forlorn expression, and her head drooped over her steering wheel.  The woman in the car behind her revealed a smile and an upward glance that seemed full of joy and anticipation.  The face of the man in the car behind her was twisted up and his shoulders appeared to be close to his ears.  His eyes were locked onto his blackberry, which he held in his free hand. 

I smiled as I realized that I could relate to each of these people.  I could have been any of them at any given time.  And then the thought occurred to me that I could be any one of them as the day progressed.  Which would I choose?  The answer to that question could very well determine the quality of my entire day, and could also quite likely impact the quality of the day of those around me as well.

Every once in a while when I go out running I see a little old man riding a beach cruiser.  In the dawn hours, as the sun begins to rise above the horizon, the light on his handlebars shines brightly.  He is kind of a round man with short, fuzzy white hair and bright blue eyes.  He pedals his bicycle so slowly that it is a wonder they both don’t just fall over.  But what is most striking about him is that he is always smiling. 

Every time I see this man, rain or shine, it seems he has something to be happy about.  And his smile isn’t just the polite grin that people often flash as they enter each other’s space.  It is the kind that comes from a deep satisfaction and wonderment with life.  The little light on his bicycle shines brightly at the crack of dawn, but the radiance around him is even more vibrant.  I find myself hoping to see him on my morning runs and experiencing a wave of joy and delight every time I do – feeling lighter and happier just for the experience of having crossed his path.  His presence alone is truly inspiring. 

I think emanating a positive presence is one of the most crucial things leaders can do for people.  And to have this kind of influence and effect on others, you don’t have to have a fancy title, a bunch of people reporting to you, or even be a part of an organization at all.  People pick up, consciously and subconsciously on the energy we emanate – and for better or worse, those we spend a lot of time around will often align themselves with it.  True leaders – in any setting or vocation – are consciously aware of the tone they set through their own presence.  They use it to uplift and inspire others, seeing the brilliance of everyone and everything around them and always reflecting it back. 

I wonder whether that little man on the beach cruiser has any idea of how profoundly he has affected me.  And I wonder if you realize the effect you can have on the lives of everyone around you as well…  maybe without even having to say a word.

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010.  All rights reserved.

Some of the most memorable performances I’ve had the opportunity to enjoy have been Springsteen concerts.  The boss.  I’ve stood in the sold out stadiums before the show started along with thousands of other people waiting eagerly for the music – and the magic – to begin.  

And Springsteen really does create magic.  In a matter of minutes, he seems to effortlessly transform the entire building and everyone in it into a kind of portal that vibrates with possibility, energy, and spirit.  Throughout the rest of the evening, he takes his audience right into the music with him and allows everyone to become a part of it.  I have never left a Springsteen concert feeling anything less than incredibly inspired and somehow renewed – as though some part of me I didn’t even know I had woke up while I was there and begged to be released into the world.

The last time I saw Bruce in concert I was musing over the fact that he, like all of us, has at one time or another most likely ordered a hamburger at a fast food joint or stood in line at the grocery store.  And I reveled over what it would be like to be standing there behind him – perhaps before he recognized his own inner genius and believed in it enough to write and record the music that would inspire others to give life to their own. 

Would I know that I was standing in the presence of greatness?  Could I somehow feel it?  Or would I move through the rest of my day unaware of how close I’d come to magic?

And then I began to wonder about the people I actually do stand in line behind in the grocery store these days.  Who’s to say that one of them isn’t destined to touch the lives and transform the worlds of many as well with their own unique talents and passions?

In December of 2007, the Washington Post persuaded Joshua Bell, one of the finest classical musicians in the world to be part of a social experiment.  On a cold January morning, this internationally acclaimed virtuoso stood leaning against a wall next to a trash can in a Washington DC metro station with a baseball hat on his head playing some of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth over $3 million dollars. 

Over the course of the forty five minutes that he played, a total of 1,097 people passed by this musician who only two days prior played a sold out theater in Boston’s Symphony Hall where the seats averaged $100.  Only seven people stopped and stayed – most of them only for a minute or two.  Twenty seven gave money, mostly change, for a total of $32 and some cents.  He ended each piece with no applause, no acknowledgement of his performance – or even his existence. 

If people could be in the presence of someone like Joshua Bell while he was performing without stopping to appreciate and savor it for even a moment, perhaps it is also feasible that we are in the presence of greatness every day in some way – without even knowing.  It could be in the person who serves you your morning coffee, the guy in the cubicle next to you, one of your own children.  Maybe it could even be the person who stares back at you in the mirror.

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010.  All rights reserved.

If you liked this post, you may also enjoy Leader, Know Thyself and Give Presence.  Download these and other articles for free at www.DianeBolden.com/articles.  While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

Moments of Meaning

I’m sitting in my living room as I write this, looking at our Christmas tree.  It’s tall, beautiful and bare – the lights and ornaments are still in boxes in the garage along with the rest of holiday decorations waiting to be unearthed and put to use.  On my desk is a growing list of things to do – presents to buy, cards to send, and parties to plan for – amongst all the other things that need to be done that aren’t holiday related.   “You ready for Christmas?” people often ask each other.   I don’t know if I’m ever ready – from the standpoint of having all those boxes checked, anyway. 

I know there are people out there – you may be one of them – who finished their holiday shopping weeks ago, had their houses beautifully decorated on or before Thanksgiving day and seem to find the time to make cookies and fudge and send handmade cards to everyone they know.  I have secretly dreamt of being one of those people, and maybe someday I will be.  I’ve tended to identify more with those who dash to the mall on Christmas eve for that one last present they forgot about and return home to feverishly wrap gifts before people come over, hoping desperately for time to shower – all the while swearing that next year will be different.

It’s not the supreme organization of the people in the first category that I envy and admire, though I do also have secret dreams of eliminating the clutter that seems to find its way into every cabinet, closet, and drawer in our house (that’s a post for another time…).   What I really long for is the ability to simply enjoy every aspect of the holidays – to experience and celebrate its true meaning without feeling as though it is a race whose shotgun start I must have somehow missed.  It is a season of giving, of sharing, and of celebrating something bigger than ourselves – allowing it to bring us together and transform our everyday lives into something sacred.

I realize as I write these words that this opportunity is always available to us.  With every gift we buy or wrap, every card we send, every decoration we hang up, we have the ability to infuse it with presence – our ability to be truly engaged not only with whatever it is we are doing, but with the bigger reason of WHY we are doing it – even if we get a late start at it.  Perhaps the ideal is not in being able to do more things sooner, but to put more of ourselves into the things we are able to do now despite whatever circumstances we find ourselves in. 

When people take the time to do this – to really pour their hearts into whatever they are doing, you can feel it.  The cards that arrive in our mailbox that have been perfunctorily generated don’t seem to move us as much as those people have taken the time to hand write something in – even if it is just our name.  And the gifts that had some element of thought in them often end up meaning more to us than those someone spent a lot of money on.  The true spirit of giving is really more about the spirit than the gift itself.

And the spirit of giving and celebration doesn’t have to end once December is over.  We have the ability to enrich every moment of our lives with it.  Albert Camus once said, “Real generosity toward the future lies in giving all to the present.”  That means forgetting about all our preoccupations and busyness and being right here, right now – truly engaged in the purpose of whatever it is we are doing and deeply connected to whoever we are with.  In business and in life, this seems to be a practice that separates the most truly prosperous and successful people from all the rest.  They have a knack for making people feel valued and for infusing meaning into whatever it is they do or invite others to do.  They spend their time doing what is most important and pour their hearts and souls into it.  As a result, they are living examples of whatever they believe most strongly in. 

Perhaps this is the true art of giving, living and leading – one that transcends holidays and spills over into our every day lives.  And maybe it’s never too late to start.

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2009.  All rights reserved.

Christmas tree photo from Photobucket.com by AmethystOrbs.

If you like this post, you might also enjoy The Gift of Generosity, which will soon be published in my December ezine.  To subscribe (it’s free), go to www.DianeBolden.com.  As a bonus, I’ll send you my special report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.   You may also enjoy Give Presence.  Download this and other articles for free at www.DianeBolden.com/articles.